A priest's rant

The following was sent to me, anonymously, from someone who spotted it on Craigslist. I can think of quite a few priests who might have written it.

Take it for what it is: a colorful and frank (and, I think, brutally honest) perspective on church life, from the other side of the altar rail:

Rant: From Your Friendly Parish Priest

Coming to Church:

1. For all of you who come to church and talk and gossip all the way until Mass starts: shut the hell up! Other people are trying to say their damn prayers. Please avail yourself of the modern invention called the "telephone" to do your gossiping. Detraction and gossip are sins you know. Don't even know what "detraction" is? Look it up.

2. You don't have to wear a tie (men) or a fancy hat (women) like we're freakin' baptists, but have some decency. How much money did it cost to air-condition this church? So put on some long pants, you can stand it. Don't wear your favorite tasteless message t-shirt. And ladies, this is not the place to show off your big bosoms.

3. Oh, and all of you with crying babies: God bless you! Everybody is welcome in church, and that's what babies do. Anybody gives you a dirty look, tell them to go shit in their hat. God blessed you with new life, and all they have is a crabby disposition. But for you with noisy teenagers: beat them.

Confession:

1. For God's sake why do you come and say you didn't sin at all? All you're telling me is that you have a bad memory or no conscience.

2. I don't care about your husband's sins. Have him come if he's such a sinner. This is your confession.

3. And for all of you who haggle on penances, I have to say I respect that a little bit. It's funny, but it shows you take it seriously.

Baptisms:

1. Don't get all mad when you call up from two counties away saying you want to baptize your baby in our church just because Grandma was baptized here, and I tell you no. I'll bet you the Christmas collection that they have Catholic churches over in your neighborhood. Baptism is about joining a community, dumbass. Go join the parish you actually live in, and bring up the kid there.

2. The same goes for wanting a private service. It's about a community larger than your family, for God's sake (literally.)

Weddings:

1.When you call up to schedule your wedding, don't act all indignant when I ask who the hell you are, since you haven't been to church since your first communion.

2. And don't get in a little nuptial huff when I tell you can't throw rice, birdseed, confetti or any of that crap. Would you want to have to clean up a big mess of that junk from your house every Saturday afternoon? I didn't think so.

3.And do that damn paperwork, get all your certificates in. You'll be really glad you did should the day come when you have to get un-married.

4. Please get some control over your mothers. Your own outrageous demands are bad enough.

5. Have some pity on your poor priest, who has to put up with your ruse that you don't live together, your rude tardiness to your rehearsal, your showing up half-drunk, and the tasteless fashion decisions you make for your wedding party.

6. Oh, and if your forget to get a marriage license, it's not my problem. It's your marriage.

Thank you for your attention, and God bless.